


[Podfic with Transcript] Solstice

by DayVale (SeeEmRunning)



Series: Welcome to Day Vale [2]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Podfic Length: 0-10 Minutes, Rule 63, Transcript Included
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-15
Updated: 2013-12-15
Packaged: 2018-01-04 16:40:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1083271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeeEmRunning/pseuds/DayVale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Perfumes, experiments, and a fair.</p>
            </blockquote>





	[Podfic with Transcript] Solstice

If the audio player isn't working, you can listen [here](https://dl-web.dropbox.com/get/Episode%202.mp3?w=AABQ5-JVI8dJ8tkoqReq-scD5G2v5PRPeIQXWZsDk179hA), no download required.

Hello, Day Vale. I'm Cecilia, your host. Today is the summer solstice, so get outside, have fun, and enjoy the longest day of the year.

Enjoy it.

As always when summer is reaching its zenith, school is starting up again soon. Listeners, head on over to the general store on Main Street and pick up your school supplies. Pencils, pens, notebooks, and backpacks are an extra 20% this weekend, so be sure to stock up.

Speaking of confined spaces where individuality is sacrificed for the sake of the whole, let's talk for a moment about perfumes. Yes, perfumes. I know many of you like them. The smell makes you feel good about yourself in a way you're never quite able to describe. However, scientists have recently found that one drop is sufficient to be smelled in a twenty yard radius, so let's not go overboard. Think of all your fellows with allergies. Small sacrifices can make life better for everyone.

And now a word from our sponsor.

I woke up in the morning feeling relaxed and refreshed. There was nothing to worry about in my life.

I remembered other times in my life I'd felt like I had nothing to worry about. Standardized testing, paper-writing, when I have drunk...there were many times I failed to worry.

For the rest of you, there's help. No-Stress Pills, generic biunmaxit, are here to wipe your cares away. Stressed about work? No-Stress it! Stressed about school? No-Stress it! Stressed about the upcoming custody battle because both you and your former spouse are awful parents? No-Stress it!

In clinical trials biunmaxit has been linked to nausea, vomiting, heart palpitations, and muscle cramps. In extreme cases, heart failure and death may result. Do not take biunmaxit if you are under eighteen. Do not take if you are fertile, or serious birth defects may result.

No-Stress Pills. For when life is too hard.

Intern Jackie is giggling, and I'm not quite sure why, so let's go to community reminders.

The Co-Ed Scouts ask me to remind you that they'll be selling cookies soon! That's right, rather than spending a dollar at the grocery store for one hundred cookies, you can spend four dollars on a box of twelve! Twelve and a half percent of that money goes to a good cause, so be sure to support your local scouts.

And now for news.

Sal-Mart has been coming around, looking at developing some of our land into a building for a bloated megachain that fails to pay its workers a decent wage. The town council has yet to respond, so it falls to us.

Citizens of Day Vale, do we want a corporation coming in? Do we want their too-low-to-be-reasonable prices to come at the expense of our own independent shops? Do we want them to upset our way of life for the sake of making a buck?

I don't. Do you?

_Do you?_

I thought not.

The police are warning that a dangerous felon named Ronald O'Darrigan escaped from a maximum-security prison last night. O'Darrigan was convicted of several counts of first-degree murder last spring after he emptied three rolls of Mentos into the rectums of his five victims and followed with a twenty-ounce bottle of boiling soda. The results were described as 'baffling' by the police and 'barf-worthy' by everyone else.

'Barf-worthy' is obviously not the word used, but it is the reaction nearly everyone but the most hardened of law enforcement officials had while looking at the scenes.

Citizens are reminded the human intestine can accommodate no more than five pounds per square inch of pressure. Please take this advice and act accordingly.

O'Darrigan's victims were all gay, bisexual, or otherwise non-heteronormative white males in their mid-twenties. If you fit this profile, be careful who you go home with.

Local police are saying the odds of O'Darrigan appearing are negligible at best, given that the prison is forty miles away, but that is less than an hour's drive. Be alert, citizens.

That's a funny word, isn't it? _Alert?_ Alert. Alerrrrt. Allllert. Alllerrrrt. Does it even sound like a real word anymore? Alert. Heh.

Ahem.

It's Tuesday, which means it's philosophy time! Today's theme is existentialism.

Folks, the world at large doesn't care about you. And that's a good thing! Can you imagine what would happen if the entire world cared about you? About your actions? You think giving a presentation at school or work is tough _now_? Imagine giving it with seven billion people watching! The world doesn't care that you stuttered last Friday, or accidentally left your home shirtless, or can't say 'word' or 'question' properly. Make as many mistakes as you want. The world will keep turning. You exist on your own terms.

This has been philosophy time.

In other news, it's supposed to be a nice warm eighty degrees out. Eighty degrees Fahrenheit, that is! Eighty Celsius would be a bit too warm for my taste, and probably yours, too. That would be, let's see...nine-fifths of eighty, that's a hundred and forty, plus 32 would be 172 degrees Fahrenheit. I don't think any of us would like that, folks, not one bit. That's Australia weather.

It's kinda funny how Celsius became the standard when Fahrenheit is more precise. Think about it - if you have one hundred eighty markers between the freezing and boiling points of water, that's more options than the hundred notches Celsius has.

Carla, the gorgeous meteorologist who came to study our fair town for its excellent forecasting and possible site for a future perpetual-motion machine, came in to the station today. She asked me to let you all know that she is looking for volunteers for a study. She didn't specify what the study was about, but if you're interested, please e-mail her at Carla dot Baldwin at meteorology dash institute dot e-d-u. That's [spelled out e-mail address]. She asks you include your name, date of birth, sex, and gender, and she'll tell you when she's ready for you. We pride ourselves in our hospitality, Day Vale - let's show some to the fairest of them all.

Speaking of fairs, this Saturday is the annual Day Vale Festival! Face painting clowns, bouncy castles, vendors, tractor pulling, and a craft fair will be set up from six AM to ten PM. At one PM, there will be a parade! The marching band will play a lovely medley of songs, just as they do every year, and the winners of the beauty pageants will ride. It's likely local politicians will dominate the parade, just as they do every year, but they throw the best candy, so that's all right.

I'm Cecilia, asking you to consider the children. Everything you do affects them.

Everything.

Good morrow, Day Vale. Good morrow.

**Author's Note:**

> It's amazing how many files are needed to edit the recordings into a cohesive hole.
> 
> Also, please forgive the lack of subtlety on the carnival music. I'm not very good at writing music yet, so the dissonance was more whacking you over the head than a quiet 'if you think this is a good thing you haven't been paying close enough attention'.
> 
> Please review! :)


End file.
